true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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