it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
