Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
