There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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