don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
