TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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