I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
