I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
