i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
