he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
