just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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