Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
