mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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