just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
