If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
