Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
