And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
