I think I died a long time ago.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
