Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
