Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
