I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
