it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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