My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He felt like a one man threesome
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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