i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
