Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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