I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Randomize
