That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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