Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
