new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
