I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I think I sprained my soul last night
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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