Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
