it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
