Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
