So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
