I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
