Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
