Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
