if you like me you must not know who I am
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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