my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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