it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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