she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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