Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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