I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
