I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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