Soap is not a condiment
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
