I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
