Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
