I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
