I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
