I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
